In the wake after Big Mind Process

I don't even know where or when to begin. I couldn't even hope to cover it all. I guess I'll start from now, instead of from the workshop last week. Serendipitously, I began a new level of Holosync this week as I work through issues that came up for me during Big Mind. This has made insights and dreams very vivid.

Here is a "vision" explanation of something revealed to me through the knowledge gained from Genpo Roshi. It's my visualization but his teaching about owned and disowned voices.

Visualize the clothesline stretched tightly. On it are hundreds of clothespins, but instead of the pincing side hanging downward, visualise them with the pincers resting on one of two thin wires two inches above either side of  the clothesline. They can rest to the left or to the right because of the support the thin wires give.

On every clothespin is written a pair of seeming opposite character traits. The left side has one half of the pair, and the right side has the other half. For instance, on one side of a clothespin, write "self" and on the other write "no self." Can you be associated with all aspects of the self at the same time as denying your Self? In this reality, you are usually vibrating with either "self" or "no-self" one at a time, not both at the same time. You can use "jealousy" and "appreciation" as a pair, or "anger" and "calmness" as a pair. Anyway, there are hundreds. The one that got an emotional response out of me was "caring" and "not caring".

So, from a birds' eye view of this clothesline, you can see which aspect a personality is "owning" at the moment. Flipped to the left, the side of the clothespin you can read says "caring." But flip it to the right and you can read "not-caring". The one you can read is totally owned and acknowledged by you, and the one you can't read may or may not be disowned by you.

Look down the clothesline at the hundreds of attributes that make up your personality. Every unique human has a different set of clothespin arrangements. It reminds me of when I learned of the DNA set CCCAGACAGCCCAGGAC and so on.

If I have a realization that causes me to understand that I've been disowning my Self and living through others, that will cause this clothespin to flip sides, and often a whole set of dozens of other attributes will flip over as well.

I wish that decoding someone's personality were this simple. But often, the clothesline is in a terrible tangle. This means it's more difficult to have a realization that can flip the clothespins to show a different side.

But there is a cleaner way than trying to untangle the clothesline that's been stored in a box in the basement for decades.

When you do the Big Mind process with a facilitator, you can understand that since this is a dualistic world, our game of "black and white" usually dictates that you be one thing or another at any given time, very clear cut. You either care or you don't care. You're either jealous or you can appreciate things with an open heart.

The triangular shape of the clothespin gives a clue that there is another way. Sometimes all you can see is one side that your finger grabs or another. But flip the entire clothesline-stretched-taught arrangement over (forgetting gravity for a moment) and then you can see that the head which grabs the clothesline can control which attribute gets used at any given moment. Genpo Roshi calls the tip of the triangle the Apex and if you can speak to the Apex part of yourself, you realize you can choose and control which aspect of the pair will be used.

For instance, Genpo Roshi had our group speak to our  "Fundamentalist" voice. We talked of tradition and the fact that either it keeps valuable spiritual information alive in a culture or it overwhelms and kills that spiritual knowledge. Using the point of view of the apex, one can clearly choose whether to use a tradition or not based on whether it will serve its purpose.

All this comes alive when you realize what disowning a voice actually does to a personality. We talked about the disowned fundamentalist. We discovered that if you disown that voice within you, then when you look out into the world, all you see is &*(% fundamentalists and you hate them. They annoy you to pieces. You can't understand why seemingly everybody you meet is a fundamentalist. You haven't acknowledged that part of yourself yet. It works this way for any aspect of yourself you haven't yet owned and acknowledged.

Women, do you recognise this one: "I'm not an angry person. I don't understand why anyone would call me angry. I get along with everybody and I never get angry."

That was me in my twenties. I had disowned my anger.

Then my anger morphed into tears. I was depressed during my teen years and my early twenties. But I never got angry. I couldn't acknowledge anger living within me. So, aspects that we disown try to get out in sneaky underhanded ways.

I don't have to live that way. I can now acknowledge that anger is an emotion I feel, and I have learned to tell whether I'm angry or depressed. I've got lots of work to do still! I had so many emotional moments at Big Mind just through listening to other people work out their issues. This is my year of transformation. I'm working on it!