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personal responsibility
October 2009 
What about Santa?
Posted on Dec 30th, 2008
by 
J~E~S~S
J~E~S~S
If, in your wanderings on this earth, you ever find yourself contemplating on how to end your suffering by killing someone else, you know you're on the wrong track. Right and wrong are subjective, you say? This "Santa killer" in the news has me thinking.
My husband started talking to me about the man who open fired on his ex-wife's family at a Christmas party while dressed as Santa in front of our 11 year old. First I chastised him lightly for not waiting until we were alone for a ghastly topic like that, and I don't even promote the idea of Santa as the family's gift giver to our son. Then I tried to explain what happened to our son very matter-of-factly.
I explained that this man thought that all his suffering was caused by his ex-wife and their family because of the bitter divorce. He thought that if he could only get rid of the source of his suffering, he would feel better. But the mistake was to look outside himself for the cause of his suffering. And when you're so deep in the blame mentality like he was, it's too easy to overlook the fact that you'll end up suffering more when you go through with a murder plan.
You are responsible for your own suffering based on your reactions to the things around you. Don't let yourself get to the point where you think life will be easier if someone else were dead. That's when you have to look inside, at yourself, and see what you can change in you to make things work better for you.
My husband started talking to me about the man who open fired on his ex-wife's family at a Christmas party while dressed as Santa in front of our 11 year old. First I chastised him lightly for not waiting until we were alone for a ghastly topic like that, and I don't even promote the idea of Santa as the family's gift giver to our son. Then I tried to explain what happened to our son very matter-of-factly.
I explained that this man thought that all his suffering was caused by his ex-wife and their family because of the bitter divorce. He thought that if he could only get rid of the source of his suffering, he would feel better. But the mistake was to look outside himself for the cause of his suffering. And when you're so deep in the blame mentality like he was, it's too easy to overlook the fact that you'll end up suffering more when you go through with a murder plan.
You are responsible for your own suffering based on your reactions to the things around you. Don't let yourself get to the point where you think life will be easier if someone else were dead. That's when you have to look inside, at yourself, and see what you can change in you to make things work better for you.
Access: Public
Yep, we’re responsible for our own suffering. It’s amazing how many of us keep looking at the reflected material world and saying “it” is at fault. Did your son seem to understand what you were trying to express?
Jessica, your son is very fortunate to have your perspective…your explanation was a powerful life lesson for him if he was ready for it. I spent so many years looking for all the answers “out there” and you’re right…the cause of suffering is never “out there.”
Centria: He was confused by the man’s actions. He may have been more confused by my explanation. I was satisfied by his reaction, though. He seems to know that it’s not cool to go try to murder the people you think are giving you trouble.
Helenrscp: Me, too! Until I learned it really was not my husband’s fault that I was suffering in our relationship, I played the blame game. It’s a tough lesson to learn because in the process of learning it my ego got bruised up, but it’s all better now. And now I can’t see the world any other way than “I created whatever has manifested in my life”.
Knowing a little on this subject, I felt I just had to comment and say thanks for sharing your thoughts. This is not an issue to turn away from, because it won’t just ‘go away.’
I was married to a man who thought like this, who had a warped sense of perspective and ‘ownership’ of me.
I have lived in fear of his return and an act just like this….every Christmas, every birthday or Father’s day since the day I left him. This case got media attention, but the sad statistics show that ‘big events’ are scarred by acts like this.
It is quite ironic that this was the first year I did not think about my ex husband. It was my first Christmas without the fear of him showing up with a gun in hand, with the intent to harm my family.
If any good can come from this, I pray it is that domestic violence issues in our community be addressed. The answer is not simple, but empowering women is a good start.
We girls need to stick together and support one another!
One of the biggest lessons you can teach your son is to respect women.The best way to do that is to respect yourself, because it is not what you say that matters, it is who you are and what you do.
Perhaps 2009 can be the year for applying what we have learned (all too often the hardway).
I hope it is full of joy and harmony.
Blessings
Karin:
It’s great you feel a little more freedom now and can breathe easier.
In regards to teaching my son to respect women: Yes, I believeI can impart that lesson. But what has me more intrigued is if I can impart that lesson to my step-sons, and even their friends. I know peace starts at home. Peace starts in your own heart. So, am I reaching these teens? I feel like I pretty much scare them away by asking my step sons to be responsible, help clean the house even if they didn’t make the mess, and return what they borrow. They get defensive and angry! They take off and barely spend time at home any more.
Karin, you can always write me privately if anything is troubling you.
Bliss and harmony blessings to you, too!
Oh boy! I was on on my soapbox…..this subject does it to me every time.
Sorry!
And thanks for the offer to talk. I feel pretty over talking about my life, it’s too much like a bad soap opera. Unless I feel I can help some one else, I’m not inclined to get into it anymore.
I don’t envy you, being a stepmom can be really challenging.I am no expert at dealing with teens…..butI have heard this is a common problem. Something to do with the teenage brain development.
As for the attitudes towards women,itcomes from so many places,kids are bombarded with negative images from the media. It makes it very tuff to raise a girl who loves and respects herself and a boy who doesn’t just see women as sex objects or some-one to clean up after them.
amen to that!